Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.