So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
#have a #great #PancakeDay
How to find Kentucky on a map
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.