The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
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villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
my nickname in college
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*