I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
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Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Van Gone
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Cats are still liquid.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN