βοΈπ§π» π π¦
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Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didnβt have any because Iβm not an animal.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: weβre friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
ME: Hold on, letβs stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know itβs bond money.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
βAnother pancake?β
βNo, honestly, 38 is enough for meβ
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know whoβs getting the glittery Christmas cards.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chefβs Hat: he knows too much
A LOT of men have told me βif neither of us is married by the time weβre 40…β and let me tell you, Iβm just over one year away from cashing in big time
Pringles
Iβd be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craigβs List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
heβs sick of your bullshit today
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi