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ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.