I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background