Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
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*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |