I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
You Might Also Like
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Coffee for people with no kids
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training