My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.