In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
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me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it