parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
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Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Best seat on the street 😍
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now