Butt weight. There’s more!
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Grandmother clock.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.