Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
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oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
spot the difference
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.