[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
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My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid