*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
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Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*