[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
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I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Worst perfume name ever.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*