GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty