how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
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The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen