Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
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TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart