Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
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Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I am a gravy boat captain
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.