I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
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Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Beauty and the Beast
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership