Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
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My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?