I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
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My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Oh the world we live in…
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*