If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
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Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?