A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
You Might Also Like
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy