My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
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The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I need a headline like this
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting