you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
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To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation