boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
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My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Breaking news:
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Made something I’m not proud of
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands