I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
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What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.