Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
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All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
i baked you a cake
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.