Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
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4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Try and stop me.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]