There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
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just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.