I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
You Might Also Like
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Netflix: We have Less
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Why are bridges so flammable.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.