When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
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I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest