[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
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I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
oh my god
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.