me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win