Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
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Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
i’m sure it’s fine
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars