MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
You Might Also Like
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
it’s finally my moment to shine
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man