All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth