Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
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So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
He is just living hist best little life 😊
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.