When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
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an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
wow
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.