Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
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My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I am also baked goods
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
This one’s “Alex”.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.