I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
You Might Also Like
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo