“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
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IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen