MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
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The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.