Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
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*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.