Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
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I have never related to a cat more
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️