Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
The biggest mystery of our time
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪