There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
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If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.